•  

    A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
    Symptom: Bar swaying.

    Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
    Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
    Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: Panic
    Bar
  • Life Insurance Beneficiary Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband...
  • Wise Words From a Monk A woman gets cheated by her husband. Devastated, she doesn`t know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there`s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him...
  • Lifelong Medication A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor`s office.
    "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life...
  • Umbrella Thief A man gave all of his four umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work. On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed...
  • Highway Jerks One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down...
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT