My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. It's a game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.

    So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

    He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

    "Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find."

    "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off."

    "What's tee off?"

    "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

    "Not for me, " I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.

    "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

    "Yeah, I've got one of those."

    "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

    "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

    "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

    Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.

    He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?


    "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

    "Of course," I told him.

    "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

    "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to.

    "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?

    "No, I am the old-fashioned type."

    "Do you know how to hold your club?"

    Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so

    He said, "You take your club in both hands...

    I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

    Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."

    That's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.

    He asked, "How do you hold your club?"

    Before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."

    He said that wasn't right.

    He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.

    Well, he couldn't catch me there. I didn't spend fourteen years in the Navy for nothing.

    He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."

    I could well imagine that

    "...And when you're on the green &"

    "What's the green?"

    "That's where the hole is."

    "Sure you're not colour blind?"

    "Then you take your putter in your hands..."

    "What's a putter?"

    "That's the smallest club made."

    "That's what I got, a putter."

    "And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

    I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

    "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

    Well, I've seen some big enough for a horse and wagon.

    "Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

    Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell

    "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

    "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole!

    "Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"

    "The flag will go up!"

    ...Well, golfing is not for me
  • Red Sneakers Jack the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he`d lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was...
  • She's All Mine The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn`t too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions...
  • New Year Party After the annual office New Year party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make...
  • The Agent The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred pounds a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn`t dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable...
  • Terrible Headaches Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
    "What do you mean...