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    A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. "One of the benefits of this profession," he explained, "is that we have built-in weather predictions."

    "What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor.

    "When the cows are standing," the farmer explained, "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they're lying down, it means it's going to rain."

    "On our bus trip," another visitor piped in, "I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?"

    The farmer flashed a smile and answered, "That means half of them are wrong."
  • Why don't men ever listen? A man bought a kitten and tried to teach it to speak. Everyday for six years he taught it the alphabet. For hours and hours he`d say to the cat, "Repeat after me..." and then he would say a word, or a sentence...
  • Crab That Walks Straight A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore. "It`ll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways...
  • All Quacked Up An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond. Walking over to the village idiot, who was sitting beside the pond...
  • I Gave at the Office Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing...
  • Playing with Words The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend...