• Helicopter Crash

    A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

    The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

    Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

    The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"

    "Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"
  • Household Chores

    One afternoon a man came home from work to find total chaos in his house...

    ...all three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to the wife's car was thrown open and also the house front door. Once inside it got worse and he found an even bigger mess.

    A lamp had been knocked over and the carpet was in a heap against one wall. Television blaring and tuned to the cartoon channel, family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. Dishes in the kitchen were poled high in the sink, breakfast food was splattered on the table, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass was under the table and a small pile of dirt lay piled up by the back door.

    He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!!

    He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pyjamas and quietly reading a novel.

    She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.

    He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What the hell happened here today"?

    She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

    "Yes," he replied reluctantly.

    She answered, "Well; today I didn't do it!!!!!"
  • Helpful Neighbor

    A man is in court. The Judges says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

    "Guilty," said the man in the dock.

    At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, "You dirty rat!"

    The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.

    The Judge continued, "...and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

    "Guilty," said the man in the dock.

    Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!"

    At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

    He replied, "He is my next door neighbor."

    The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments."

    The man replied, "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"
  • Q&A - Love and Marriage

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    Kirsten, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you have known the person FOREVER by then.
    Camille, age 10

    No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
    Freddie, age 6

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
    Both don't want any more kids.
    Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    Martin, age 10

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
    When they're rich.
    Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    Anita, age 9

    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favorite is........
    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
    Ricky, age 10