• True Friends

    A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

    "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

    "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

    "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

    "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
    "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

    "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
  • Baseball Explained

    This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

    When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

    When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

    The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
  • Motherless Mayhem

    One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

    The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

    He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

    She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

    "Yes," was his incredulous reply.
    She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
  • A Dish With Fish

    There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

    They politely say to each other, "You may choose first."

    "No, you may choose first."

    And this goes on for a while.

    Then the first person says, "OK, I'll take first."

    And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

    The second person, "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

    The first person says, "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

    The second person replies, "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

    The first person says, "Well, that's what you have now!"