A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway."

    "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything is OK but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

    Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got Pound 9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch."

    The bloke perks up at this.

    "So the thing is," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

    "I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

    So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

    "So," says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?"

    "I have." says the fellow.

    "And has she helped you in making the decision?"

    "She has," says the bloke.

    "And what is it?" asks the doctor...

    "We're having a new kitchen!"
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