• Quick and Smart Thinker

    Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.

    "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"

    Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly.

    "Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
  • Kids Say Funny Things

    JACK (3 yrs) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: `Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?

    MELANIE (5yrs) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

    STEVEN (3yrs) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

    BRITTANY (4yrs) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know?"

    SUSAN (4yrs) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

    MARC (4yrs) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

    JAMES (4yrs) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
  • Agressive Panhandler

    A panhandling bum is walking along in the theater district just around matinee time.

    The streets are crowded with people rushing to get in to their shows. The bum sees a well dressed man walking along and goes up to him and asks, "Sir, can I borrow a quarter?"

    The man stops and says in a very dignified tone, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be! - William Shakespeare."

    The bum looks back at the man and says, "Up yours, you cheap bastard - John Johnson."
  • Wet paint... Keep Off!

    Army traditions and discipline run deep. A regiment had a new CO. On inspection he saw two soldiers guard a bench. He asked the reason.

    "We don't know, Sir The last CO told us to do so. It is a regimental tradition."

    The CO searched for the phone number of the last last commander. He called him and got the reply.

    "I don't know. The previous commander had the guards. I kept the tradition."

    He went back another three COs and untill he located an 80 year old retired General.

    "Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of your regiment which you commanded 50 years ago. I find two men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me about the bench?"

    Retired General, "What? Is the paint still wet?"