|A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."|
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says, "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
|A lady walks into a salon, sits down in the chair and the stylist asks, "What can I do for you today?"|
"Yes, I would like to have my hair colored blonde."
The stylist brings her a color chart and says, "This is our color chart, just choose the shade you would like."
"Well, what are these numbers that get lower as you go further blonde?" asked the lady.
"Those represent your IQ once your hair is done," said the hair stylist.
|After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.|
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
|A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.|
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
The jogger said thanks and left. With other joggers passing by it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"