• Irish Police Officers

    Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four."

    "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

    "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

    "You idiot!" the Englishman replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

    "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
  • Magnet Fishing

    Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

    A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

    "We don't have any," replied the first fisherman.

    "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

    "But officer," replied the second fisherman, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

    "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."

    And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically.

    "What a dumb Fish Cop," the fisherman, said to the other two.

    "Doesn't he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!"
  • Weapons of Mass Destruction

    Reporter: Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?

    USA: Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction.

    Reporter: Why did you attack Syria now?

    USA: Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

    Reporter: Why didn't you attack North Korea then?

    USA: Are you stupid or what? Because they really have Weapons of Mass Destruction.
  • The wrong side of the bed

    A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.

    On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on.

    He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother."

    The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.

    He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."

    The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone.

    The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

    The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop.

    He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"

    The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want."

    The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"