• BBQ Season

    We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...
    1. The woman buys the food.
    2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:
    4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine...
    5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

    Important again:
    7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine....
    8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.
    11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
  • Surviving Canadian Winters

    The Collins family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. For generations, their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between Canada and the United States. Mrs. Collins, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and two grandchildren.

    One day, her son rushed into her room with a letter in his hand. "Mom, I have some news," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

    "What do I think?" his mother replied. "Jump at it! Call them immediately and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
  • A Horrible Way to Die

    Two guys in a bar...

    One says, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

    "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

    "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

    "What a horrible way to die!"

    "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

    "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

    "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

    "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

    "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

    "Man, what a way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

    "Now that is one awful way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that, he..."

    "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

    "I shot him!"

    "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

    "He was wrecking my house."
  • Authorized Signatory!

    He said: When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

    One day, a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

    But, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read, `You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.`