|Two Irish buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out.|
"I have an idea," mumbled Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife."
The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and, lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your everlovin' hushban?" he asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantel and, for Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
Outside, they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al, "let him buy his own pint."
|Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.|
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was... but useless in a fight."
|Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.|
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!"
Bills says, "What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "My neighbour Carl."
|Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these two girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.|
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk.
Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"
Sven says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask 'em!"
So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.
Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"
Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."
Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid.
She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."
Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"
Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said, 'FFFFffffrrriiddaay y,' but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin again!"