• Alien Sex!!!

    Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

    "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

    Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

    Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!"

    Bills says, "What did the alien do to you?"

    "I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

    Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

    Ted responds, "My neighbour Carl."
  • Bad Breath!!!

    Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these two girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

    One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk.

    Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"

    Sven says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask 'em!"

    So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.

    Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"

    Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."

    Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid.

    She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."

    Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"

    Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.

    As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"

    Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said, 'FFFFffffrrriiddaay y,' but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin again!"
  • On The Rocks!

    A true southern gentleman went to Las Vegas.

    Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

    "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

    Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

    When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

    "Why yes, " replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
  • Wine Connoisseur

    At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking FOR a new one to hire.

    A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

    The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

    The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."

    "That's correct," said the boss.

    Another glass....

    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."


    A third glass....

    "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

    The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a *glass of urine*.

    The alcoholic tried it.

    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."