|A drunken man comes home with his friend. Reaching near his home he shows his friend his car and says, "This is my Car, and that my door, hitch brrrr ".|
They enter into the house, he continues giving information to his friend in his drunk tone, "U know...that`s my couch, he..he..Come, come".
They take the stairs and he takes his friend to his bedroom where his wife is making love to this other guy and th`ey are both naked on the bed caught red handed. This man continues pointing towards his wife,
"Hey buddy, that woman who is lying naked is my wife and that man on top of her is ME !!!!"
|This large, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless, stained sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a quite unshaven armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar. "What damn gentleman around here will buy this young lady a drink?" she demands in a deep, gravelly voice. The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. The men next to her quickly move away -- mainly because of her body odor. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunken man slams his hand on the bar and says: "Bartender! Put it on my tab. I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender obliges and pours the drink. After she chugalugs the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hirsute armpit. "What &%$#@ gentleman around here will buy a #@$%& young lady a drink?" she again asks. Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says: "Bartender! I`d like to buy that ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk. "It`s your business," says the bartender, "if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" "Sir!" replies the drunk, "In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"|
|A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. |
The man says, "I ll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What s your s?"
"I ll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I ll have a half beer, but I m not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I ll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I ll have the same," and the cat says "I ll have a half glass of beer but I m not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it`s close to last call, so I ll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I ll have a small scotch but I m not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can`t hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That s brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That s right! Whether it s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what s with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.