• Trying to Get a Date

    A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

    Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

    Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?"

    "Well," Said the Barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a few drinks, and just sits there licking his eyebrows..."
  • No Beer for Wife's Lover

    Two Irish buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out.

    "I have an idea," mumbled Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife."

    The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and, lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband.

    "Shay, dear, you have any money for your everlovin' hushban?" he asked.

    "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantel and, for Pete's sake, turn off those lights."

    Outside, they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good eh, old buddy?"

    "But, Al," protested his friend somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"

    "The hell with him," replied Al, "let him buy his own pint."
  • Mrs. O'Conner's Breast

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was... but useless in a fight."
  • Alien Sex!!!

    Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

    "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

    Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

    Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!"

    Bills says, "What did the alien do to you?"

    "I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

    Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

    Ted responds, "My neighbour Carl."