• Delayed Ejaculation!!!

    A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
    He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

    Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

    The old man said, "Sure!"

    The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

    "Sure, why?"

    "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to come!"
  • Large and Stiff

    After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: What can I get you, gorgeous?

    The woman, blushed and replied: If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please.
    The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?
  • Chick With a Big Butt & Long Legs

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order, "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

    "Same," says the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt & long legs who agrees with everything I say."

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Men are brilliant until they think about a woman!!!
  • Drinks on the House

    A man walks into a bar and announces, "Drinks on the house for everyone, except that queer at the end of the bar."

    A little while later he again announces, "Drinks on the house for everybody, except that queer at the end of the bar."

    The queer was getting kind of upset when the man again said, "Drinks on the house for everybody except that queer at the end of the bar."

    This really made the queer mad so he called the bartender over and asked for a full glass of ice cubes.

    The bartender asked, "What are ya gonna do with that?"

    If that guy calls out queer one more time I'm gonna dump those ice cubes in my mouth and go down and "coldcock" the SOB.