• On The Rocks!

    A true southern gentleman went to Las Vegas.

    Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

    "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

    Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

    When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

    "Why yes, " replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
  • Wine Connoisseur

    At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking FOR a new one to hire.

    A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

    The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

    The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."

    "That's correct," said the boss.

    Another glass....

    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."


    A third glass....

    "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

    The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a *glass of urine*.

    The alcoholic tried it.

    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
  • Drinks on The House

    An Italian, a German, and a Polack were sitting in a Manhattan bar.

    After six drinks the Italian says, "That's six drinks and we haven't even gotten a free one yet, down in little Italy there's a bar where every fourth drink is on the house."

    The German says, "That's nothin', there's a bar up in German Town where every third drink is free."

    "You think that's something," says the Polack. "There's a bar out in Rockaway where they give you your FIRST drink free, then the second, and third, and fourth, and fifth, and listen to this, then they take you in the back and get you LAID!"

    "Holy shit, where is this bar?" says the German.

    "I don't know, I've never been there but my girlfriend goes there all the time."
  • Delayed Ejaculation!!!

    A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
    He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

    Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

    The old man said, "Sure!"

    The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

    "Sure, why?"

    "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to come!"