• Special Occasions

    My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

    One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

    Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts about puberty at such an early age, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

    Now fast forward a few months... It's my Mother's Birthday, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

    When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

    Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

    I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!!

    My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

    "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
  • Rhyming First Names

    A class 5 teacher asked her students to make rhymes with their names.

    Sam:
    My name is Sam,
    When I grow up to be a man,
    I want to go to Russia and Japan,
    If I can, If I can, If I can.

    Candy:
    My name is Candy,
    When I grow up to be a lady,
    I want to have a baby,
    If I can, if I can, if I can.

    Dan:
    My name is Dan.
    When I grow up to be a man, To hell with Russia and Japan,
    I m gonna help Candy with her plan,
    I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.
  • The Farmer's Kids

    A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

    His father says, "Son, come with me."

    He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

    The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

    A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse, "As soon as that tractor is paid for....."

    A few days later, son number three, (6 years old) his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

    While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster shagging one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

    His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

    The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that freakin' tractor is paid for."
  • Interest Development

    Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat.

    "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"

    "Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"

    Mrs. Smith leaned closer, "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"

    Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
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