• Fuck-Hour

    It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer."

    Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"

    The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

    Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

    The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in here?"

    "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!"
  • Wear a Rubber

    A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his pay check.

    After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

    A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

    Silence fell on the congregation.

    In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"
  • Special Occasions

    My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

    One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

    Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts about puberty at such an early age, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

    Now fast forward a few months... It's my Mother's Birthday, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

    When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

    Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

    I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!!

    My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

    "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
  • Rhyming First Names

    A class 5 teacher asked her students to make rhymes with their names.

    My name is Sam,
    When I grow up to be a man,
    I want to go to Russia and Japan,
    If I can, If I can, If I can.

    My name is Candy,
    When I grow up to be a lady,
    I want to have a baby,
    If I can, if I can, if I can.

    My name is Dan.
    When I grow up to be a man, To hell with Russia and Japan,
    I m gonna help Candy with her plan,
    I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.