|A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"|
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Let`s make a demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you`ve learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don`t tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I`ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we`re living with a couple of whores."
|Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left... The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." |
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he`s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first three explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I`m embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he`s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."
|A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid.|
"Aren`t you a little young to be drinking, son?", the preacher asks.
The kid replies, "That`s nothing; I got laid when I was three."
"What?! How did that happen?"
"I don`t remember. I was drunk."
|A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"|
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let`s try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It`s simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it`s not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy`s angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C`mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who`s sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"