• The Facelift

    A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient.

    He told her, "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little and the wrinkles will disappear!"

    The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "Go for it!"

    The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.

    She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?"

    The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"
  • Pelvic examination

    A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
    As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
    In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
    "Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
    The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"
  • Deep roots

    The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws.
    At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.
    The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.
    "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.
    "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?!"
  • Six inches long

    Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
    The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
    But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
    The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about six inches long."