|A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.|
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright.
He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.
The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
|A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.|
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
|A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a house of ill repute.|
When asked what he wants, he says, "I want a really large woman - as big as possible."
He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head, "Nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that."
He is shown another, even more enormous woman.
'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'
He is shown the biggest woman who works in there. She is unbelievably big.
"That's more like it!"
He is taken off to a room by the woman, and starts going at it.
After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman, "Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?"
To which the woman replies, "It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive."
To which the man replies, "No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!"
|The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. It is scary to think that these women are breeding.|
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was, as all blacks look the same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
12. I have no clue or proof who the father is, but I know half a dozen guys, who were definitely not involved.
13. The six guys I am squeezing alimony from are not the fathers of any of my kids, but don't tell them that! I have no idea who the real fathers are.