• Children are a gift from the LORD

    A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

    After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

    After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

    A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

    Silence fell over the congregation.

    In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

    The entire congregation said, "Amen."

    Gotta love those senior citizens.
  • Pfizer & Pepsi to Merge

    This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...!

    The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.

    Pepsi will discontinue selling Mountain Dew and market the new concoction by the name - Mount & Do

    And... if you don't send this to five senior friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing today.
  • Became The 'Butt' Of Your Own Joke

    I work in the electronics department of a major retailer. The phone rings one evening. On the other end is a girl, who sounds to be about 18 or so, and I can hear muffled giggles behind her, so I know she's got it on speakerphone. She insults me the whole time but I never take the bait.

    Me: Electronics, how can I help you?
    Caller: Oh... yeah, do you have cameras there? Like, the expensive kind. I don't expect you to carry high-end brands.

    Me: Yes, we do.

    Caller: Do you have any green ones? I bet your selection's really small and you carry only black ones.

    Me: Yes, we have a Nikon model that is green.

    Caller: Is it waterproof? Do you even know what I'm talking about? I bet I could do your job better than you.

    I refuse to take the bait and said: Yes, this model is waterproof to 75 feet.

    Caller: That means it takes pictures underwater, right? Do you know what that means?

    Me, now certain this is a prank call: Right...

    Caller: Can it take a picture of a tree?

    Me: Yes, it can.
    Caller: Can it take a picture of my BUTT?

    Cue giggling from the other end, that explodes into full-blown laughter When I Said: Oh, no, I'm sorry, miss; this model doesn't have a wide angle lens!
  • The Safety Drill

    A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill.

    Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."

    Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"

    Jeff replied with a smile, "Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."

    Eunice looked wide-eyed at her boy friend, and asked, "If my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?"

    "My love," replied Jeff, "if you've got your head between my legs, I won't give a damn where my head is!"