|A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahamas.|
When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.
As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul mouthed beast?"
The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he dearly loves."
As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless sleep. In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest.
As daylight breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"
The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"
The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"
|Some Funnies In A Column On Meet The Sexpert In Newspaper.|
Q: Is It Safe If Penis Is Kept In The Vagina When Sleeping?
A: Usually When The Penis Returns To Flaccid State, It Will Slide Out Of The Vagina. Even If Does Not, Be Rest Assured The Vagina Will Not Have It For Breakfast.
Q. I Am A 36-Year-Old Man. Six Months Ago I Had Sex With A Housewife. Then, I Made As Many As 220 Strokes In The 40 Minus Of Our Intercourse. Today, I Could Only Reach 180 In The Same Time. Please Reply. I Am Worried.
A: Do Take Part In The Commonwealth Games Since You Seem Like An Athlete. My Advice Is To Enjoy The Act And Stop Counting. Do Give A Thought To Whether You Are Satisfying Your Partner Or Not!
Q: I Am A 25-Year-Old Man. My Penis Is Short And Small In Diameter. When Aroused, Its Size Increases To Resemble A ¾ Inch Pvc Pipe. I Have Heard That There Are Capsules Available That Help Increase The Size. Please Advise.
A: As Plenty Of Water Can Pass Through A Pvc Pipe, Similarly More Than Enough Semen Can Pass Out Of Your Penis.
Q: I Have Heard That Any Kind Of Acidic Substance Can Prevent Pregnancy. Can I Pour Some Drops Of Lemon Or Orange Juice In My Girlfriends Vagina After The Intercourse? Will It Harm Her?
A: Are You A Bhel Puri Vendor? Where Did You Get This Weird Idea From? There Are Many Other Safe And Easy Methods Of Birth Control. You Can Consider Using A Condom.
And Here's The Best One:
Q: I'm A 19yr Old Girl & I'm Pregnant How Do I Tell My Parents?
A: If You Can Open Your Legs Then Why Not Your Mouth.
|A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.|
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
|What sex and parking spaces have in common:|
1. You should never have to wait to find one.
2. You should be able to slide right into one.
3. Spaces in the front are always the best.
4. When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice.
5. It sucks when someone else is double-parked.
6. Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.
7. A full-size car is good to find.
8. It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces.
9. People are willing to wait in line for good spaces.
10. Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.
11. We're all looking for free space with 'limited' time limit.
12. A house isn't a home without a parking space.
13. Some people are uncomfortable with in the rear.
14. Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
15. The better your parking techniques are the most parking spaces you can get into.