• Going to Heaven

    An Young lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

    "Don't worry about that!", says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings."

    The lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

    "Oh my Goodness", says the lady, "now what is happening?"

    "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "she's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

    "I can't do this", says the lady, "I'm going to hell!"

    "You can't go to that nasty place", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of!"

    "Maybe so", says the young lady, "but I've already got the holes for that...!"
  • We All Have One

    How long is your one?
    I have one.

    You have one.

    Your mother uses your father's one and your auntie uses your uncle's one.

    A married lady would acquire one.

    But a divorced lady would lose her one.

    A Pope does not use his one.

    Lee Kuan Yew has a short-short one.

    Mao Ze Dong had a hairy one.

    Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one.

    Michael J. Fox has a shorter one.

    Madonna does not have one.

    The Chinese usually have short ones.

    While the Indian usually have long ones.

    Do you have one?

    How long is your one?

    Which one is your preferred one?

    Answer: Your Surname,( What were you thinking of,) huh???
  • Disappointed!!!

    A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper. Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by another man, "Excuse me sir, but do you know Mrs. Appleblossom?"

    The man folds up his newspaper, coughs slightly and replies, "Just a moment sir."

    After which he takes out a little black notebook, "A, A, A... (finding the name in the book) yes, actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom."

    He puts the notebook back into his inside pocket picks up the newspaper and continues reading.

    The other man taps his shoulder again, "Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom?"

    The first gent puts the newspaper down again, finds his notebook and checks, "B, B, B... ahh, yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom."

    He starts putting the notebook away when he once again is tapped on the shoulder, "Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom, and I am very disappointed."

    "D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!!!"
  • Lick her Lock

    One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

    So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

    So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

    Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

    Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

    He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."