|Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.|
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out....
|A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.|
He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her just to wait there.
"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "Hows about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire."
The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey, dickhead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your ass."
The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tire. Then while I screw your girlfriend I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."
Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?"
"Naw, he wasn't so tough," said the guy.
"Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"
|A man went to a hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.|
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know which is worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
|Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.|
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. It is priceless.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with themselves.
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.