|Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.|
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
|Self Examination for Alzeimer's
It takes less than 15 seconds... If you are nearing 40 years, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.|
How fast can you guess these words correctly and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
You got all 6 wrong... didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's. But you are naughty at Forty.
|This is a REAL MEMO from Microsoft HR Director in Redmond WA to its staff of the Indian Origin. Every word here is kept intact without alteration.|
TO ALL HINDI-SPEAKING STAFF
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
1. Words like CHUTIYA, GANDU and other such ex-pressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say CHUTIYE, AKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO when someone makes a mistake or MADARCHOD, BEHANCHOD when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the verb CHOD are inappropriate in our environment.
2. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances will be referred to as GADHA or CHUTIYA. Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAMCHOR SAALA and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as BHOSADIKA or MADARCHOD.
3. Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as GAND FAADU, if a person is persistent or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way do not use GAND FATI if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.
4. Furthermore, you must not say BHOSADE MEIN GAYA when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say DIMAGH KI MAA BEHAN MAT KAR. Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU.
5. When things get tough, an acceptable _ex-pression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than MAA CHUDI PADI HAI or GOTI MUH MEIN HAI.
6. No Salary increase shall be ever referred to as KHAIRAAT BAATI JAA RAHI HAI KYA. Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners as BUDDHA KHOOSAT.
7. Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say 'YE KAGAZ TOH GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI.
We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Human Resources Director
|Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?|
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.