|Two older ladies, Margret and Jennifer, were walking through the museum and got separated for a spell.|
When they ran into each other later Margret said, "Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
"Yes I did!" said Jennifer. "I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why, the penis on that statue was far too large!"
With a smile Margaret blurted out, "...and cold, too!"
|A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.|
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love," he replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."
|1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?)|
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world ... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.
24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
|Maria had just gotten married...and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.|
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous...but, her mother reassured her. "Don't you worry, Maria; Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother & said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up into the bedroom, Tony took off his pants...exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.When she got up there.....Tony took off his socks and on his left foot, he was missing his toes!
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs, "Mama, Mama, Tony's only got a foot and a half!"
Mama said, "Maria, you stay here and stir the spaghetti!"