|There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."|
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
|The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.|
"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you."
When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen.
Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."
|Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife.. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"|
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "U BETTER HURRY HOME NOW.... MY WIFE DIED A YEAR AGO."
|An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.|
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"