• So...You Want to Marry My Daughter?

    An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a hillbilly all want to marry the farmer's daughter.

    The farmer says, "Well, y'all got to prove how bad you want her. You gotta run across that there field, jump over that barbed wire fence, swim across that there creek, then run up and fuck the Goat that's there, and then come all the way back."

    The English guy takes off first, but gets caught in the barbed wire.
    The French guy gets as far as the creek but forgets he can't swim, and almost drowns before he washes up on the rocks downstream.

    The hillbilly shoots across the field, leaps over the barbed wire, swims across the creek, runs up and fucks the Goat, and runs all the way back.

    The farmer says, "Well, I guess it's plain to see. You get my daughter."

    The hillbilly says, "To hell with your daughter. How much you want for the Goat?"
  • Is Masturbation Harmful?

    A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

    "Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

    "How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

    "That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

    "Oh... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

    "I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

    The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

    So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

    "Because... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
  • Damn that Sonofabitch

    There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

    A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

    "Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

    "He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

    "We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!!

    "We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

    She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"
  • Balls Like Bull

    Two old ladies lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the ladies, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.

    As the old ladies were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

    "I thought he was lovely," said one.

    "He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.

    "He was very loud, wasn't he?"

    "Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"

    "I said, he was very loud."

    "Eh?"

    "I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull."

    "Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."
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