• Elderly Sex!

    A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

    "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

    The aged gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm scared!"

    The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

    The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
  • Poor Mathematics!

    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

    Dear Wife:

    You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

    Your Husband

    When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:

    Dear Husband:

    You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

    Your Wife.
  • Red Sneakers

    Jack the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of red sneakers.

    She refused with disdain.

    He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

    Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

    He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of red sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

    Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

    "Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on my red sneakers."
  • She's All Mine

    The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.

    The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.

    During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"

    "No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine...."