|Every year Simon entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair.|
A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums.
He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a clue. He lost again. The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life
|David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.|
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts f**king her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic."
|A saxophone player was contracted to do a recording session for a movie. Much to his delight, the soundtrack was pretty much a sax solo from beginning to end.|
When the session was over the sax player asked the producer what film his music would be in. The producer admitted that it was an adult film and gave him the name of a theatre that would be showing the premiere.
At the premiere, the Saxophone soloist crept into the movie house, embarrassed, and sat in the back next to an elderly couple who were also trying to be anonymous. The movie was disgusting, ending with a scene involving a dog.
The sax player finally had enough, and made his exit past the elderly couple, remarking, "I only came to hear the music."
The old lady replied, "We only came to see our dog!"
|A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.|
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked, "Do I know you?"
The woman answers, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman, "Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?` `You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my butt with a whip?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."