• Ruing Missed Opportunities

    Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man.

    "What happened?" he asked.

    "Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr Thompson," Fergo began.

    "But about your foot?" the doc said.

    "This is abut my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.

    "The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was comfortable.

    "The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."

    "What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.

    The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
  • Beauty Pageant - Final Q and A

    The SETTING: Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
    The FINALISTS:
    Miss America
    Miss Spain
    Miss Britain
    Miss Philippines
    Miss Iran
    Miss India
    QUESTION: Miss America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
    Miss AMERICA: Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
    QUESTION: Why do you say that?
    Miss AMERICA: Because it stands every-time it sees a woman.....
    (Applause!.... Applause!)

    QUESTION: Misss Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
    Miss SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
    QUESTION: Why do you say that?
    Miss SPAIN: Because it charges every-time it sees an opening.
    (Applause!... Applause!)

    QUESTION: Miss Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
    Miss BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors.
    QUESTION: Why do you say that?
    Miss BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.
    (Applause!... Applause!)

    QUESTION: Miss Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
    Miss IRAN: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
    QUESTION: And why do you say that?
    Miss IRAN: Because they always enter through the back door.....
    (Applause!... Applause!)
    v QUESTION: Miss India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
    Miss INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
    QUESTION: Why do you say that?
    Miss INDIA: Because it works day and night....
    (Applause!... Applause!)

    QUESTION: Misss Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
    Miss. PHILIPPINES: Ahh... well, of course, ihihi... I can say that male organs in our country are like chismis...
    QUESTION: Chismis???
    Miss PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry... It's like, ahh like... it means GOSSIP in our language.
    QUESTION: Hmmmmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
    Miss PHILIPPINES: Ayyyy... nervous!!! Hihihihihi! Because...I mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth.

    STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Naughty Bear

    Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself."

    Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.

    Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.

    One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).

    The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.

    Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

    The Farmer said, "Good heavens, what happened to you?"

    The woman replied, "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!"
  • Lesbians, Gays and PRECIOUS

    One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch swing. One of them had just gotten back from the big city of New York and was telling her friend all about it.

    She starts, "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they have women up there who have sex with other women."

    Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they call them?"

    "They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.

    "And they have men who have sex with other men."

    Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do they call them?"

    The first girl says, "They call them homosexuals."

    The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private parts... And kinda lick around and do stuff with their tongue..."

    The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell... What do they call them??"

    After looking around once again to make sure no one is listening, she whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted mine on the head... and called him 'Precious'."