• Father of Who?

    A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

    She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked, "Do I know you?"

    The woman answers, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

    The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

    So he says to the woman, "Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?` `You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my butt with a whip?"

    The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
  • Reason Not to Eat Shrimps

    Years ago, a man was riding the train from New Orleans, eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping them apart, and throwing the shells out the window.

    The woman sitting opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

    He replied, "It's none of your business, hon. I paid my fare and I'll do what I want."

    And he continued until he finished the bag. Full, he settled back for a nap. The woman pulled out her knitting. Soon all the man could hear was that incessant clicking and clacking.

    Soon he said, "Would you stop that noise? I'm trying to sleep!"

    She replied, "It's none of your business. I paid my fare and I'll do what I want."

    The man grabbed her knitting and tossed it out the window. She immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. He started laughing.

    "You're gonna get fined for that!"

    The woman replied, "And you're going to jail... after the police smell your fingers!"
  • Hole in One

    A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.

    Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.

    After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!"

    The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one.

    Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out, "Oshima!!"

    The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says... "What do you mean wrong hole?!"
  • First Hand Job

    A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

    He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

    On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

    They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

    "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

    "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

    He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

    "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

    "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

    She nods.

    "Well, it's just like that."

    So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

    A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

    "What's wrong?!" she cries out.

    "Take your thumb off the end!!"