|Once upon a time there was a 90-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick.|
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money.
The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said.
All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said, "Mmmmmm! A buffet?!"
|On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.|
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said '1-2-3!'. Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
|A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.|
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.
Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is the apple of his eye. So naturally, he's worried sick about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.
The girl opens it.
"Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?"
"Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.
"Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."
"Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.
"Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."
"Oh, I know..." says the lad. "... great pair of tits too!"
|A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.|
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium... that's the swimming pool!"