• Sex Lubricant

    A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for years to find a virgin but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 18 in his town has been at it.

    Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.

    After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.

    They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

    "Why the jelly?" she asks him.

    "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

    "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks always did?"
  • Smallest Penis!

    Joining a new company, Tim had to take a physical with the company doctor.

    All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that Tim had the smallest penis he'd ever seen.

    "Tell me Mr. Potter," he said, "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?"

    "No," Tim said. "I've got a great wife, two kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate."

    "And yet you still have a normal sex life?"

    "That's not a problem," Dave said, "because then there's TWO of us looking for it."
  • Wrong Signal

    Mum is working in the kitchen when Dad enters for the first time in the mood in years.

    "Mum... get into bed," he says.

    She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undies gets on the bed, but all too late. Dad has withered away.

    "Yer know Mum... we can't 'ave this 'appen agin," says Dad. "Next time I git one of these, I'll ring the firebell so you start gittin' ready when youse hears it. When I git to the house with it, we'll be right to go."

    Months go by. Mum's in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the firebell. She goes through all the preparations real quick!

    Dad comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Mum lies waiting for him, legs wide apart, feet in the air.

    He looks at her and says, "Get up, yer silly old oversexed cow... the bloody barn's on fire!"
  • Birth Control Methods

    There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

    The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

    Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."

    "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

    He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.

    Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

    He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.

    Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method."

    After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

    Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong.

    She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

    He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

    He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

    She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."