• Lighter or Matches?

    A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

    She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

    He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.

    She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?

    He: Oh, sometimes...

    She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?

    He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

    She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

    He: No, most certainly not!

    She: Oh... You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?

    He: Of course I haven't.

    She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.

    He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

    She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

    He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

    She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?

    He: Yes.

    She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?

    He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

    She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter).
    Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches.

    The young man collapses.
  • Retention Incentives

    At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

    Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause....

    Mary age 28, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide sex!"

    There is total silence....

    Rev Roberto blushing and asks her, "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Mary's 35-year old husband Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help" and he said 'Fuck him!'"
  • Restaurant's Policy

    Moishe Finkelstein goes into the Ritzy Glitz Restaurant and treats himself to a huge meal with lots of champagne, finishing up with a Havana cigar.

    Finally the waiter brings the bill on a silver tray. It comes to ninety -nine dollars and ninety -nine cents, so Moshe pays him with a hundred-dollar bill.

    About five minutes later, he calls the waiter back and asks for his change.

    Without altering his expression, the waiter leaves and returns a moment later with the silver tray. On it is a penny and a pack of condoms.

    Moishe is shocked, and demands an explanation. The waiter lifts his nose in the air, and says, "Sir, it is the policy of our restaurant to encourage customers like you not to reproduce !"
  • Sperm Donation

    A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

    The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

    "I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

    The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

    She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

    "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"