• Cream of Weight

    A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

    "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?"

    The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bed-spring just above a bowl of cream."

    The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another, "So you came home and found cream on the weight?"

    The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."
  • Generous Husband

    My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

    Astonished, my wife asked her, "How could you afford this?!"

    "You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied.

    Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that."

    "Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number???"
  • Oh No!!! He Smoked his Cigar?

    A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?"

    His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

    "Oh come on," replies the bartender.

    The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

    He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

    The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar."

    The customer looks puzzled and says, "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, "See that."

    The bartender again inspects it closely and says, "You idiot, that's just another cigar."

    Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, "Oh no, I must have smoked it!"
  • Your Wife is a Cheater

    Dave was feeling depressed, and his best friend Keith decided to take Dave to the Pub, to try and cheer him up.

    He asked Dave what was it that was troubling him, but Dave didn't want to talk about it. So they sat there getting slowly pissed.

    Keith matched Dave drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him.

    Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dave blurted out, "OK, it's your wife."

    "My wife?" his Keith demanded. "What about my wife?"

    "I think she's cheating on us."