• With Your Bare Hands

    During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather slipped her five $100 bills which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money".

    By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the family's historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs later that night, and asked where she was going.

    "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

    "Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that dang thing with your bare hands just as I did your Grandfather's."
  • The Sex-Starved Couple

    An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman's doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her.

    They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation.

    For a few weeks, this arrangement worked; until one night at about 1 a.m., when they met each other on the stairs-she coming down, he heading up.

    "Honey, I have to confess," she said, her voice quavering.

    "I was about to commit suicide."

    "Glad to hear that, sweetie," he answered, "because I was just coming up to kill you!"
  • Note on Fridge

    Found on the Refrigerator One Morning: My Dear Wife,
    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.

    I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

    Please don't be upset -- I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

    My Dear Husband,
    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.

    As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

    As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

    Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
  • Choosing a Virgin For a Wife

    George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls".

    One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her.

    "Well, Janice," he said, "what do you reckon this is?"

    "Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly.

    Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list.

    Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too.

    "Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?"

    "It's your dick, George," answers Christine.

    Off the list goes Christine.

    His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing.

    "Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George.

    Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finally answers, "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry."

    "ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure."

    Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour.

    "Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."

    George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife.

    "Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick."

    "THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"