|With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill.|
"Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!"
He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed.
"She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!"
His wife was mad, `Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!`
|A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"|
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time? "
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
"Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me!, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 8 more votes?"
|Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.|
About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods.
However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and yousaid "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."
|Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.|
One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.