|Greg was explaining the facts of life to his teenage nephew. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking.|
"One thing to keep in mind is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing."
"What do you mean, Uncle Greg?"
"Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, 'Are you done yet?'
"On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, 'Are you done already?'"
"What do other women say?"
"Well, a schoolteacher will say, 'We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!'
"A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt one bit.'"
"I thought they said, 'Pull down your pants and bend over.'"
"That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'
"A stewardess will say, Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.'"
"And what does Aunty Keli say?"
"She says, 'Beige ... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'"
|A small boy was awaken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.|
"Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
"It's okay," replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his fathers penis.
"Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change in plans," his dad replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a new watch."
|Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.|
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
|To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.|
As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself, "At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite. What a laugh!"
That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite their suite. All night long, all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room. He couldn't believe his ears.
In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at his age.
"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her clothes. Then..."
"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.
"Grinning, the elderly husband replied, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."
"You make a BET?" exclaimed the bellhop. "What bet?!?"
Smirking, the husband explained, "If it falls to the right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins."
"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.
"Then we both win!" replied the husband.