• Aging (dis)Gracefully

    A Woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

    Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

    The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

    The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied.
  • She's Not My Wife

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

    "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

    His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

    The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

    His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

    The husband agrees to try it.

    Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

    His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

    The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

    Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

    This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife..."

    His funeral service will be held on Friday.
  • Wife's Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open.

    "Hurry!" she cried. "Stand in the corner!"

    She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

    "Don't move," she whispered. "Pretend you're a statue."

    When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, "What's this, honey?"

    "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too." Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

    "Here," he said, giving the food to the statue, "you may as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody even offered me a glass of water!"
  • It's Just Not Fair

    Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."

    He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."

    The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."
    He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

    Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."