|Dave was feeling depressed, and his best friend Keith decided to take Dave to the Pub, to try and cheer him up.|
He asked Dave what was it that was troubling him, but Dave didn't want to talk about it. So they sat there getting slowly pissed.
Keith matched Dave drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him.
Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dave blurted out, "OK, it's your wife."
"My wife?" his Keith demanded. "What about my wife?"
"I think she's cheating on us."
|On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on.|
She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' "
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."
|The man was feeling a little frisky after working late one night at the office.|
He went home and found his wife sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open. He went to the medicine cabinet, got two aspirin, and dropped them into her mouth.
She started to choke, but quickly recovered and demanded to know, "What did you put in my mouth?"
Nonchalantly he said, "Two aspirin."
"BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" she shouted.
Moving in he said, "That's all I wanted to hear."
|A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.|
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat.
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream.
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that Blow Job you always wanted?"
And she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea...