|A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (having sex with a dead person).|
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:
For the ladies:: PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.
For the guys: IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!
|He said to me: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.|
I said to him: You wear pants don't you?
He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me: Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him: They already have boyfriends.
He said to me: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him: A widow.
He said to me: Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed... Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
|A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "Yes" and "No" on his penis. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.|
That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.
He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"
His wife became upset. She said... "You tell me how to cook... You tell me how to clean the house... You tell me how to do the laundry...
"And now you are going to put words in my mouth!!!"
|The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.|
Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!"
But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.
When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"