• Failed Honeymoon

    On the first day of their honeymoon, the young blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

    Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?!!!"
  • Blowjob Etiquettes!

    Blowjob Etiquettes for Men - Kindly written by a woman
    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is notstandard practice to cum on someone's face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.
    6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last Iheard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANTpuke on your dick?

    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does Not mean that it's "hummer week" - get itthrough your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don'tfeel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sexright now.

    9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high schoolgirls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with myMidol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don'ttell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediatelyafterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to berepeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculateabout the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happythat we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care aboutthe protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't getblow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate toeither sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I haveto "kiss it good morning".
  • A Necrophilic Husband

    A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (having sex with a dead person).

    The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

    The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
    1. It's none of your damn business;
    2. She was my wife; and...
    3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
    The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:
    For the ladies:: PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.

    For the guys: IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!

    Case dismissed...
  • Women ROCK!!!

    He said to me: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    I said to him: You wear pants don't you?

    He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

    He said to me: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

    He said to me: Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
    I said to him: They already have boyfriends.

    He said to me: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    I said to him: A widow.

    He said to me: Why are married women heavier than single women?
    I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed... Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.