• Waiting for the Big Day!

    Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm.

    "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert.

    Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize."

    The next night Bert again pesters Mabel.

    Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize."

    It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.

    Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."

    Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?!?"
  • Love, Lust, or Marriage?

    How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married? For those of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

    LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
    LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
    MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

    LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
    LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
    MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

    LOVE - When you share everything you own.
    LUST - When you steal everything they own.
    MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

    LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
    LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
    MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

    LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
    LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
    MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.

    LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
    LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
    MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.

    LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
    LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
    MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

    LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
    LUST - When you only see each other naked.
    MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

    LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
    LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
    MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

    LOVE - When nobody else matters.
    LUST - When nobody else knows.
    MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

    LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
    LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
    MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

    LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
    LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
    MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

    LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
    LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
    MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
  • Cooking Socks!

    I woke up this morning and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

    I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.



    "What are you doing?" I asked her.

    She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

    Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
  • Cowboy Boots!!!

    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"v Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging Down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."v Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

    "Nope," she replies.

    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

    Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."