• Safe Hiding Place...

    This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.

    The doctor asks, "Okay, my good woman, what is your problem ?"

    "Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!"

    The doctor says, "Don't be nervous. I see things like this all the time."

    He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks...

    "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
  • It Really Hurts!!!

    A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

    The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow.

    "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

    "Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."

    The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

    On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

    The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"
  • Change of Plan...

    A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

    "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

    "It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."

    The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

    Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.

    "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

    "Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
  • Don't Put words in my Mouth

    A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "Yes" and "No" on his penis. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.

    That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.

    He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"

    His wife became upset. She said...

    "You tell me how to cook... You tell me how to clean the house... You tell me how to do the laundry...

    "And now you are going to put words in my mouth!"