• Ours!!!

    Husband: Every time you talk you say my chair, my car, my TV, everything is yours. You never say ours. I'm your HUSBAND! It should be "ours".

    Wife pays no attention as she is looking for something.

    Husband: You are not even paying attention to what I'm saying. What are you looking for?

    Wife: Our panties!
  • Tired! and Exhausted

    I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

    One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

    His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

    A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

    He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit!"
  • 'Virginity Test' Kit!

    Man 1: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?

    Man 2: Get an 'Irish Virginity Test' Kit.

    Man 1: What's that?

    Man 2: It contains a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint and a Hammer.

    Man 1: That sounds crazy! How can virginity be tested with that?

    Man 2: Paint your right ball Red and left ball Blue... and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen, hit her on her head with the hammer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Prank Call...

    Lady: Hi, Good Afternoon.
    Radio Station: Good Afternoon, what can we do for you?
    Lady: Please, I'll like to get two tickets for the Pitbull LIVE show this weekend.
    Radio Station: Well, you'll get the tickets for free only if you play a prank on someone on air & make them believe it.
    Lady: That's ok.
    Radio Station: Are you married? Do you have kids?
    Lady: Yes, I have a son.
    Radio Station: Good, you will call your husband & tell him he is not the father of your son.
    Lady: Wow, that's a big one.
    Radio Station: Well it depends on how bad you want the tickets and anyway we will be live on air listening and step in to tell him it's all prank.
    Lady: Ok, let's do this 'cause I really want the tickets.
    RADIO: Ok, where is he right now?
    Lady: He's at the office. His number is......
    (Radio station calls the husband)

    Lady: Hello Love!
    Husband: Hi Baby!
    Lady: How is work?
    Husband: Good, can't wait to get back home & make sweet love to you.
    Lady: Me too! But em... there's something I need to tell you.
    Husband: Ok, I'm all ears dear!
    Lady: You know I love you?
    Husband: Yes I do!
    Lady: And we promised to always be sincere to each other?
    Husband: Yes we did, you're starting to scare me dear, please, what's this all about?
    Lady: Something happened in my office Nine years ago.
    Husband: What happened?
    Lady: The annual x-mas party we had in the office 9yrs ago I got drunk & had sex with a co-worker, you are not the father of our son.
    Husband: What!
    Lady: I just felt you should know.
    Husband: Are you crazy?
    Lady: I'm sorry love, I just needed to get it off my chest.
    Husband: I can't believe this.
    Lady: Am sorry love, please forgive me.
    Husband: You want forgiveness? OK you have to forgive this, I have been sleeping with your sister for the past 5 yrs.
    Radio Station: Oh God!
    Lady: What did you just say?
    Husband: You heard me, we just confessed our sins to each other. Is there someone there with you?
    Radio Station: Sir, this is a prank & you are on air. We asked your wife to play a prank on you so you guys can get tickets to go watch the Pitbull live show this weekend.
    Husband: Oh shit!