|Santa wakes up following an operation to find the doctor standing at the foot of the bed.|
"Doctor, how did it go?"
"I have good news and bad news", says the doctor.
"Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up"
"The good news is that we managed to save your testicles"
"Thats terrific. What`s the bad news?"
"They are under your pillow."
|Banta buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.|
Banta doesn`t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
Banta hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, Banta loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning Banta wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning Banta wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. Banta spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. So, Banta asks his wife, Preeto, to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
|Santa joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing him around the ship, when Santa asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they`re at sea for so long.|
"Let me show you," says the captain.
Captain takes Santa down to the rear of the ship where there`s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This`ll be the best sex you`ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I`ll give you some privacy."
Santa doesn`t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I`ve ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That`s your day in the barrel."
|Santa went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.|
Santa decided, "What the hell, I`ll try it."
Santa spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn`t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, Santa undid his pants and started to masturbate. Santa closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
Santa heard, "This is the police. What`s going on down there?"
Santa replied, "I`m checking out the rear axle, it`s busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you`re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."