|Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house. She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.|
As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened!
Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!"
|After only a year in Canada, a Polish man got married to a nice Canadian girl. They got along quite well until the day he rushed into his lawyer's office and begged him to arrange a quick divorce.|
The lawyer said, "What are the circumstances? Have you any grounds?"
And the Polish immigrant replied, "Ja, ja, ve've got an acre and a half with a nice little house."
"No, I mean, what is the foundation of your case?"
"It's made of concrete."
"Does either of you have a grudge?"
"No, but we have a big carport."
"I mean, what are your relations like?"
"All my relations are in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, we have high fidelity stereo and a CD player."
"No, I mean, does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I get up before her.` `Is your wife a nagger?"
"What? No, she's white."
`Why do you want this divorce anyway?"
"She's gonna kill me. She's going to poison me."
"Really? What makes you think so?"
`I've got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She brought home a bottle from the drug store that says, 'Polish Remover!'"
|There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.|
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?!"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
|Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."|
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his Back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, Kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs One by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... And all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"