|One man comes home from work and can't find his wife. He is looking for her all over town, calls all her friends, publishes her picture in the paper, but in vain. After two days of searching he returns home and finds his lost wife sitting in the kitchen eating a big plate of pasta.|
"You're alive?" he shouts and covers her with kisses, "I was so worried about you, where have you been all this time?"
"Five men kidnapped me," replied the woman, "Made me into their sex slave for a whole week."
"It's horrible my dear!" cries the husband, "But wait, you disappeared only for two days!" "I know!!" replied the woman, "I came back for just a shower and to eat something."
|Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life.|
Moanin' says, "I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'"
"Man, you lucky dog!" Says his one buddy. "But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?"
"The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly, "Is when she screams... 'Deeper!'"
|A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.|
"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too."
And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.
"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."
"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"
"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"
|Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in Thailand. There, the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.|
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"Well, I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No. But I have one."