• Drinks on The House

    An Italian, a German, and a Polack were sitting in a Manhattan bar.

    After six drinks the Italian says, "That's six drinks and we haven't even gotten a free one yet, down in little Italy there's a bar where every fourth drink is on the house."

    The German says, "That's nothin', there's a bar up in German Town where every third drink is free."

    "You think that's something," says the Polack. "There's a bar out in Rockaway where they give you your FIRST drink free, then the second, and third, and fourth, and fifth, and listen to this, then they take you in the back and get you LAID!"

    "Holy shit, where is this bar?" says the German.

    "I don't know, I've never been there but my girlfriend goes there all the time."
  • Short Fuse!

    A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

    After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

    She begins to drool.

    The man drops his pants, strikes a body builder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

    She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

    He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

    She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!
  • Fucking Mosquitoes!

    Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting mosquitoes.

    Every time he sees a mosquito he utters, "Fucking mosquitoes, fucking mosquitoes."

    Just as the boy says it, a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the mosquitoes because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

    Little Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullshit!"

    "Well, tell me three things on this earth that God has made without a purpose," says the priest.

    Little Johnny looks at him and replies, "Tits on a nun, Balls on a priest, and these fucking Mosquitoes."
  • One at a Time!

    Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.

    "Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."

    Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."

    She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!

    She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"