• Word of Advise & Warning

    A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother, "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
    1. Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
    2. Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
    3. Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

    The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.

    "How was it?" asks mom.

    "Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

    "Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

    "Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

    "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

    "Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said, 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of Fillet and would love to put it in your Grill to cook!!'"

    "WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

    "Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."
  • BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
    Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.
    A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
  • Drinks on The House

    An Italian, a German, and a Polack were sitting in a Manhattan bar.

    After six drinks the Italian says, "That's six drinks and we haven't even gotten a free one yet, down in little Italy there's a bar where every fourth drink is on the house."

    The German says, "That's nothin', there's a bar up in German Town where every third drink is free."

    "You think that's something," says the Polack. "There's a bar out in Rockaway where they give you your FIRST drink free, then the second, and third, and fourth, and fifth, and listen to this, then they take you in the back and get you LAID!"

    "Holy shit, where is this bar?" says the German.

    "I don't know, I've never been there but my girlfriend goes there all the time."
  • Short Fuse!

    A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

    After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

    She begins to drool.

    The man drops his pants, strikes a body builder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

    She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

    He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

    She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!
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