• Sex on Mars!!!

    The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

    "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

    "Why?' he asks. "What's the matter?"

    "Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!"

    "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

    "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

    "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

    "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, "Well, was it any good?"

    "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful, awesome. How about you?"

    "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
  • How Condoms are Made!

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a nice little older lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

    "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

    "No, I don't," she replied.

    "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

    She didn't crack a smile.

    "Oh, well... I tried," he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

    "What's so funny?" he asked.

    "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
  • New Shoes!

    Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

    After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

    He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

    Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luiggi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

    Luiggi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

    Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

    Rosa answers, "Yes, Luiggi, I do, but how do you know that?"

    He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"

    Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face turns red... he states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

    Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luiggi, I wear no panties tonight..."

    Luiggi gasps, "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes."
  • The Irish Hooker

    An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

    "Twenty Euros," she whispers.

    Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides - What the hell, it's only twenty Euros. He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes. They've going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer!

    "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

    "I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

    "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"

    "Well, neither did I," said Paddy, "til ya shined dat light in her face!!"