• No Money, No Loving

    Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

    The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

    Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

    The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

    Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$. Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman". He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

    Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."
  • The Blindfold Test

    A guy goes for a Job in a Timber Wholesalers, The interviewer asks him what experience he has, to which he replies, "I've been in the trade for so long, I can identify any wood just by it's smell."

    The Interviewer decides to put him to the test by blinfolding him and giving him samples to sniff. On sniffing the first sample, he says, "That's Brazilian Mahogany". The Interviewer is amazed and tries another.

    "That's South African Pearwood."

    This carries on with the guy getting every one right, so the interviewer decides to fuck him up. He calls his secretary in and whispers to her, "Let him sniff your arse."

    She does this and the guy says, "I'm not not sure, Can I smell that one again?" The interviewer tells the secretary to turn round. He sniffs her snatch and says, "I know. Its a Shithouse door made out of old fish crates."
  • Eat First?

    Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

    The only thing he said was, "F.F."

    His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

    Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

    She responded simply, "E.F."

    He repeated, "F.F."

    She again replied, "E.F."

    "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

    Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
  • The Irresistible Offer

    Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.

    Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"

    Pierre replied, "Woman, I'm leaving you!"

    Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"

    Pierre replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

    Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"

    Pierre replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

    Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"

    Pierre replied, "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

    Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"

    As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."