• Unlocking The Doors

    One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

    So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

    So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

    Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

    Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

    He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
  • Crotch-Less Panties

    A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

    She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

    At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"

    "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..

    "Thank goodness..... I thought you were sitting on the cat."
  • Elderly Sex!

    A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

    "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

    The aged gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm scared!"

    The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

    The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
  • Is it Golf?

    My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. It's a game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.

    So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

    He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

    "Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find."

    "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off."

    "What's tee off?"

    "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

    "Not for me, " I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.

    "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

    "Yeah, I've got one of those."

    "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

    "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

    "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

    Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.

    He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?

    "Sure.

    "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

    "Of course," I told him.

    "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

    "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to.

    "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?

    "No, I am the old-fashioned type."

    "Do you know how to hold your club?"

    Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so

    He said, "You take your club in both hands...

    I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

    Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."

    That's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.

    He asked, "How do you hold your club?"

    Before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."

    He said that wasn't right.

    He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.

    Well, he couldn't catch me there. I didn't spend fourteen years in the Navy for nothing.

    He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."

    I could well imagine that

    "...And when you're on the green &"

    "What's the green?"

    "That's where the hole is."

    "Sure you're not colour blind?"

    "Then you take your putter in your hands..."

    "What's a putter?"

    "That's the smallest club made."

    "That's what I got, a putter."

    "And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

    I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

    "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

    Well, I've seen some big enough for a horse and wagon.

    "Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

    Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell

    "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

    "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole!

    "Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"

    "The flag will go up!"

    ...Well, golfing is not for me