• Peeing off a Bridge

    Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.

    Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge."

    The other woman looks around and says,"Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

    The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder.

    "Holly shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

    Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks down at the stream below.

    "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."
  • Grandfather's Advice

    This should once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

    My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died.

    If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said ....."Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."
  • The Clarinet Player

    A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

    "George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

    "Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

    "Spectacular!" the man replies.

    "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the Queen of England, she loves the music. She says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the bloody Clarinet.... nothing.

    "We play for the King of Spain. He loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Sax with silver, and me with the bloody Clarinet....nothing.

    "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music. He says 'Shove the instruments up their backsides!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Sax doesn't fit. And me with the bloody Clarinet....ouch!!!!"
  • 'Porky' The Dog

    Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed the temple where she and her family attended services.

    As she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said, "Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again."

    "Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the six year politely. She then said, "Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?"

    The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him Porky."

    She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

    He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so big and fat."

    Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because he fucks pigs."