• Aging (dis)Gracefully

    A Woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

    Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

    The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

    The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied.
  • She's Not My Wife

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

    "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

    His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

    The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

    His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

    The husband agrees to try it.

    Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

    His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

    The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

    Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

    This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife..."

    His funeral service will be held on Friday.
  • A Real Bad Day

    A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

    Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.

    But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound his wrists to his ankles, robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in his car.

    After hopping beside the road for miles, a trucker happened along and stopped. "What happened?" asked the trucker and the man explained his plight.

    The trucker got out of his rig, unzipped his pants, and said, "This just ain't your day, is it, boy?!"
  • Drill Commands

    A Marine, fresh back from a year at a North African embassy, told his wife, "Honey, I didn't waste all my time alone over there. Instead, I mastered the art of mind over matter. Watch this!"

    He dropped his pants and stood naked before her.

    "Dick, Attention!" And immediately it did.

    "Dick, at EASE!" And down it went.

    "That's amazing," said his wife. "Would you mind showing that to my friend, Susie?"

    "Not at all. Go get her."

    She left and returned with her hot young next door neighbor.

    "All right, watch this: Dick, Attention!" Up it went.

    Then, "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened.

    "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing.

    "For the last time, AT EASE!" Nothing.

    The embarrassed Marine ran to the bathroom while his wife made excuses for him and then headed for the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

    "What are you doing?" she demanded.

    He looked up and replied, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"