• No Objection

    John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me fucking your brains out?"

    "That is something I have never done before," the date replied.

    "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.

    "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
  • Confessing Sins

    A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

    "Very well, my child," says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, "Tell me about your sins."

    "Well, Father," says the guy, "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father."

    "Don't worry, child," says the priest, "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins."

    "But Father," continues the man, "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father."

    "Oh, child," says the Father, "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins."

    "But Father," says the bloke again, "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... Again I sinned, Father."

    "Good Lord," says the priest, "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray."

    "But Father," says the bloke, "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father."



    The priest falls silent.



    "And then," continues the bloke, "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."



    The priest still did not answer.



    "And on Saturday," said the bloke, "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well..."



    The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.



    "Father," he calls, "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"



    "Back off, I'm not coming down," says the priest, "The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty... and I don't want you to sin anymore."
  • Toastmasters Meeting

    A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

    Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

    When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

    She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife."

    "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.

    While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

    "Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

    "Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."