|An undertaker comes home with a black eye.|
"What happened to you?" asks his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
"Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye?"
The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."
|Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could.|
He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the beach.
Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine.
The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured his date some wine.
He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in to her eyes and said, "Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way... do you Spit or Swallow?"
|The parish priest needs his house painted, so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house; he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.|
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much, Father. You're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day, and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much, Father. You really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
|A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.|
"Where's your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss in Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."