|True Story from a Medical Center|
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your pen!s fits through your wedding ring.
|A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba.|
He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."
The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, "Who's there?"
He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What is it then?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."
She replies, "Oh!... Come on in, Peter!"
|Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.|
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.
The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.
The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
|The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts heavy snowfalls so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.|
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.
Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.