• What's In The Name

    A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba.

    He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"

    "No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."

    The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"

    He said, "Candy."

    The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."

    He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."

    The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."

    He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, "Who's there?"

    He said, "It's me!"

    She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

    He said, "It's not Bubba."

    She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

    He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

    She asked, "What is it then?"
    He said, "Guess."

    She said, "Leroy?"

    He answered, "No."

    She said, "Johnny?"

    He answered, "No."

    She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

    He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."

    She replies, "Oh!... Come on in, Peter!"
  • The Wrong Room

    Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

    The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

    The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

    The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

    The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

    The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

    The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

    The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
  • Wedding Text Messages

    The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts heavy snowfalls so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.

    Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.

    The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

    Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.

    Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.

    Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

    Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

    If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

    Go for it mate. We all did!

    She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

    Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

    Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.

    Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

    Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

    Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
  • Tenants Say The Funniest Things

    These are actual clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats:

    1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

    2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

    4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

    5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my wall.

    7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

    12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

    13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

    16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

    19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.