• First Assignment

    A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor:

    Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.

    The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

    The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report:

    Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
  • Piece of Ice???

    After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

    "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

    Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

    When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

    "Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."
  • How to Apply Topical Sex Cream!!!

    John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the 'specified place' a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

    "Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand, "Let me look at the directions for use."

    John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"
  • WTF Happened Last Night?

    A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

    "Jeeves," she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

    "Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed."

    "But my dress?"

    "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up."

    "But what about my underwear?"

    "I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."

    "What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

    "Only the first time, Madam."