|A Priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.|
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
|Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves.|
One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."
Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys. Whacha sellin'?"
One businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling a$$holes."
Without missing a beat, he rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"
|Travis had been rather upbeat lately.|
"What gives?" asked Jim.
"Just loving life, Jim. Loving life," he replied.
"Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that's the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we've been having more sex than any time in our marriage."
"Wow, that's pretty good after 25 years, Travis."
"Yes, it is," he mused. "So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her 'medicine'."
"Oh, yeah?" said Jim. "Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository? "
|Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"|
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?" and she acts like she is asleep every time!!