• Work or Pleasure?

    The Commanding Officer of a U.S. Marine Corps regiment was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, so he decided to kill a little time by asking all assembled a question.

    "How much of sex is work and how much is pleasure?"

    The X.O. said 75% work, 25% pleasure.

    A captain said 50-50.

    A lieutenant responded 25% work, 75% pleasure, depending on how drunk he was at the time.

    With no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC in charge of making coffee.

    "What's your opinion, son?"

    Without hesitation, the young man responded, "It's 100% pleasure, sir!"

    The colonel was surprised, "Why?"

    "Because, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me do it for them!"
  • Low Self Esteem

    A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.

    "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

    "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

    "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

    "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

    The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

    "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

    "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

    "So, what's your problem?"

    "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
  • Terrible Lover!

    The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce." The judge said, "Why do you want a divorce?" "Because my husband is a terrible lover." "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years." "I don't understand," said the judge. "Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he's a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn't know!"
  • Nude Sunbathing

    The well proportioned though nearsighted secretary like to spend her lunch hour sunbathing on her office building's roof. Wanting an even facial tan, she always left her glasses lying on her desk.

    After a few days, she decided that, since no one could see her anyway, she might as well get a more "overall tan."

    No sooner than she had removed her bathing suit and stretched out, but she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled her towel over her bottom.

    "Excuse me, miss," said the young man. "No one minds you sunbathing up here, but you really should wear a bathing suit."

    "What difference does it make?" she asked. `No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with this towel."

    "Not exactly," said the embarrassed waiter. "You're lying on the executive dining room skylight!"