• Stand and Pee

    Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

    Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

    The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around, now`s your chance!"

    The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

    "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

    Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."
  • Hit The Ceiling

    Sister Mary burst into the principal's office and cried, "Father, just wait until you hear this!"

    "Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?"

    "Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!"

    "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

    "But that's not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"

    "Incredible!!!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

    She said, "Father, I hit the ceiling!"

    He mused, "So how much did you win?"
  • Watching Childbith

    The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

    "Oh, no," the man shook his head.

    The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

    As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall.

    "She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?"

    The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again, "No, no, I couldn't do that."

    He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing.

    The nurse went back into the room and coached Mom's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world.

    As the baby's head began to exit the birth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!"

    At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant smile shone through her tears.

    The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed, "You were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!"

    By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the birth of their son."

    "This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!"
  • Stick Your Head Between Legs

    A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."

    Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"

    Jeff replied with a smile, "Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."

    Eunice looked wide-eyed at her boy friend, and asked, "if my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?"

    "My love," replied Jeff, "if you've got your head between my legs, I won't give a damn where my head is!"