• That's a Penis?

    A newlywed couple gets back from their honeymoon and the husband decides that he wants to watch the video of their first night as husband and wife.

    He plays the tape and hears his wife say, "Ahh, ahh, that's happiness. Ahh, ahh, that's happiness."

    Just then, his new bride walks in and says, "You moron, that's slo-mo."

    She rewinds the tape and plays it at normal speed: "Ha, ha, that's a penis? Ha, ha, that's a penis?"
  • The First Dance

    At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

    The next week, both families were in court.

    The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?"

    Paddy rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

    "Go ahead, Paddy. Take the stand."

    Paddy explained, "Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

    The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"

    "Hurt?" replied Paddy, "He broke three of my fingers!"
  • The Melting Touch

    Once upon a time there lived a King. The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
    He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

    The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth...


    The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

    The second prince brought diamonds.He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

    But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

    The third prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

    The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

    The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

    Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

    Cadbury's 5 Star. It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
    But I appreciate ur thinking
  • Importance of Assholes

    Every year Simon entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair.

    A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums.

    He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a clue. He lost again. The winning number was 707.

    Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life