• Elderly Sex!

    A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

    "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

    The aged gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm scared!"

    The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

    The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
  • Is it Golf?

    My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. It's a game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.

    So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

    He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

    "Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find."

    "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off."

    "What's tee off?"

    "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

    "Not for me, " I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.

    "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

    "Yeah, I've got one of those."

    "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

    "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

    "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

    Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.

    He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?

    "Sure.

    "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

    "Of course," I told him.

    "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

    "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to.

    "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?

    "No, I am the old-fashioned type."

    "Do you know how to hold your club?"

    Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so

    He said, "You take your club in both hands...

    I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

    Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."

    That's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.

    He asked, "How do you hold your club?"

    Before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."

    He said that wasn't right.

    He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.

    Well, he couldn't catch me there. I didn't spend fourteen years in the Navy for nothing.

    He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."

    I could well imagine that

    "...And when you're on the green &"

    "What's the green?"

    "That's where the hole is."

    "Sure you're not colour blind?"

    "Then you take your putter in your hands..."

    "What's a putter?"

    "That's the smallest club made."

    "That's what I got, a putter."

    "And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

    I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

    "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

    Well, I've seen some big enough for a horse and wagon.

    "Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

    Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell

    "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

    "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole!

    "Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"

    "The flag will go up!"

    ...Well, golfing is not for me
  • Poor Mathematics!

    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

    Dear Wife:

    You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

    Your Husband

    When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:

    Dear Husband:

    You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

    Your Wife.
  • Red Sneakers

    Jack the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of red sneakers.

    She refused with disdain.

    He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

    Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

    He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of red sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

    Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

    "Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on my red sneakers."