|Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.|
Reporter asks, "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
Pierre said, "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish therace.'
This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable."
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on thebridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.'"
"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.'
"This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"
|A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.|
The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says, "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "God... that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT! He broke three of my feeckin fingers."
|Husband tells wife that he is going for a 3 day church conference.|
Wife packs his bag, prepares breakfast for him and says, "Darling, let's pray together before you leave."
Husband says, "Yes."
Wife prays loudly, "Oh Lord! Grant my husband travelling mercies."
Wife: "Oh Lord! Let my husband's mind not waver. Let him become impotent, if he commits adultery."
Husband: Silent !
Wife: "Oh Lord! If he commits any adulterous act, let him not come home alive."
Husband silent. Now starts sweating!
Wife: "Oh Lord! If he cheats his wife, kill him..."
Husband: "Oh shut up! I am no longer going! The holy spirit just told me that the meeting is cancelled!"
|A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.|
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question. Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes - the woman has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees.
The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.
One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts, "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "OK Bill, he's ready now!"