• Go Forth and Multiply

    Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.

    "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"

    No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

    "Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

    Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

    "Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

    Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.

    "Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"

    Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.

    Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"

    "Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply, and if you let me have three of those girls, I'll be fourth and multiply them."
  • Screwed-Up Lawyer

    A man walks into a bar and sees a hot gorgeous woman.

    He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin' ?"

    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

    Eyes wide with interest, he responds, "Really ? I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with ?"
  • How Does Pregnancy Happen?

    A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that million dollar question... Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?'

    The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was.

    The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

    The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's penis.

    Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"
  • Concerned Dad

    A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.

    They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.

    Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is the apple of his eye. So naturally, he's worried sick about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.

    The girl opens it.

    "Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?"

    "Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

    Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.

    "Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."

    "Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.

    "Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."

    "Oh, I know..." says the lad. "... great pair of tits too!"