• Retention Incentives

    At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

    Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause....

    Mary age 28, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide sex!"

    There is total silence....

    Rev Roberto blushing and asks her, "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Mary's 35-year old husband Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help" and he said 'Fuck him!'"
  • Restaurant's Policy

    Moishe Finkelstein goes into the Ritzy Glitz Restaurant and treats himself to a huge meal with lots of champagne, finishing up with a Havana cigar.

    Finally the waiter brings the bill on a silver tray. It comes to ninety -nine dollars and ninety -nine cents, so Moshe pays him with a hundred-dollar bill.

    About five minutes later, he calls the waiter back and asks for his change.

    Without altering his expression, the waiter leaves and returns a moment later with the silver tray. On it is a penny and a pack of condoms.

    Moishe is shocked, and demands an explanation. The waiter lifts his nose in the air, and says, "Sir, it is the policy of our restaurant to encourage customers like you not to reproduce !"
  • Sperm Donation

    A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

    The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

    "I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

    The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

    She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

    "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
  • Old Stud!

    A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General, largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even survive the wedding night.

    While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed.

    When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes pin on his nose and a condom.

    "Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.

    "Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."