• Body Odor

    Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

    "Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

    "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."

    "Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash your possible."
  • Hummer for 50$

    A Texas Redneck was driving his old pick up truck down the road with his girlfriend at his side when all of a sudden the truck started to buck and stall. With that, he said to his girlfriend that he had to get a new truck. He walked down the block and found a GMC dealership.

    Once inside a sales lady approaches him and says, "Sir, may I help you?" He looks at a hummer and says to the saleslady, "How much for a hummer?"

    She replies, well they start at $49,000 and go up from there.

    He says, "$49,000. That's a lot of money, I can get one a lot cheaper!"

    The saleslady assures him that she has the lowest prices in the state of Texas. Then she says, "Sir if you can get a hummer cheaper than what I will give it to you for, I will give you the key to this truck right now."

    With that, the Redneck walks out, gets his girlfriend, brings her into the dealership and says, "Honey, will you give me a hummer for $50.00."

    She says, "Hell... Yes."

    He turns to the saleslady and asks, "Where do I pick up my keys to that new truck?"

    Hummer: slang for a blowjob where the cocksucker hums
  • Fifty Shades of Golf

    Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews (Home of Golf in Scotland) for many years.

    Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

    "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since last night...

    Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. She's been reading '50 Shades of Grey' and the room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

    Then she said, 'Do whatever you want.' So, here I am!"
  • Big Dicks

    Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed abnormally long penises.

    "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

    "It's the family thing, sir," the older one replied.

    "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

    "No sir, our mother."

    "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

    "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."