• Intended Grandchild!

    A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

    An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

    The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

    The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

    The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
  • Dirty Sign Language

    A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting. However, he thinks she should under- stand what he wants if he uses sign language.

    So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.

    His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.

    "Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.

    Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife.

    "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.

    "Yes, I did. ", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat.
  • Self-medication is Dangerous

    A doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there. A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner's daughter.

    Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral. When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong.

    He calls the father, "Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep."

    "What do we do now?" asks the father.

    "Does she have a boyfriend?" asks the doctor.

    "Yes," replies the father.

    "Take her to a room and have the boyfriend have sex with her."

    They do as the doctor said and sure enough, she wakes up. Everybody was happy and the doctors leaves once he fill up his gas tank.

    A few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station. The same kid greets him again, "Doctor, It's so great to see you again. About a week ago Mr. Edward died. Half of the town has screwed him already but he is just not waking up."

    Moral of the story: See a doctor before self medicating.
  • Stronger with Age

    Bill goes to visit his doctor on his birthday, a look of concern quite evident on his face.

    The doctor says, "Hey there, Bill. What seems to be the problem?"

    "Well, Doc," Bill replies, "It's a little embarrassing.

    You see, when I was 14, my erections were like solid steel... I couldn't bend them down or from side to side."

    The doctor nodded.

    "When I was 24," Bill continued, "I found I could bend my erections down just a bit."

    The doctor nodded.

    "When I was 34, I found I could bend them a couple of inches down, and at least an inch to either side."

    The doctor nodded once again.

    Bill went on, "And now that I'm 44, I find that I can bend my erections almost all the way down and side to side. So, Doc, I'm really worried, and I have just one question to ask you."

    "And what would that be, Bill?" replied the doctor.

    "Doc," Bill asked, "Just how much stronger am I gonna get?"