• Plastic Surgery

    Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen... the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.

    Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work." When the exam was finished, he called her in.

    "Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."

    Bambi looked puzzled.

    "Osteo--what?"

    "Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."

    Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"
  • You've Got Some Nerve!

    One day while Little Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that?"

    "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be like this one of these days," replies Johnny's dad.

    Anyway the next day while in school Little Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

    "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

    Not able to hold it in Little Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

    Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can with his back to the class, the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"

    Little Johnny says, "That's nothing you should see my fathers."
  • Always Use A Rubber

    An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

    As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

    The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
  • Women are Nothing But Trouble

    These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

    They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

    The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

    The guys asked "What's that board for?"

    The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

    They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."

    The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

    "Okay," they said and left.

    The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

    The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

    "Yeah," said the guy.

    "Where is he?" asked the trader.

    "I shot him," said the guy.

    "Why?"

    "I caught him in bed with my board!"