• Hourly Bell and Sex

    Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.

    George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower.

    "Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy, "do me a favor, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"

    "Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his mustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this."

    "Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!"

    "Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour."
  • Stormy Christmas night

    It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering.

    "Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?"

    "Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire."

    The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive 19-year-old blonde.

    "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas."

    After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late, and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken, but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa."

    The young man said, 'Thank you' and lay down.

    About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife, and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would like a blanket."

    So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, young man?"

    "Oh no, Walter I'm fine."

    "Well, what about a hot water bottle?"

    "No, no, there's really no need," he replied.

    "Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?"

    "My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped. "She's been down twice already."

    eiderdown - a quilt filled with down with small, soft feathers from the breast of the female eider (sea duck)
  • Smoking Habits Die Hard

    I knew a girl at work once, who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called "Cold Turkey".

    After about a week I asked her how it was going.

    "Well, not too bad."

    She said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him up to about a pack a night now."
  • Sex With a Cat!

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are at a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

    "How about having sex with a cat?" Asked the zoophile.

    "Lets have sex with a cat then torture it" said the sadist.

    "Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it" shouted the murderer.

    "Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again" said the necrophile.

    "Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it" said the pyromaniac.

    Silence took over... then the masochist said: Meow.