|A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are at a mental institution, bored out of their minds.|
"How about having sex with a cat?" Asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with a cat then torture it" said the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again" said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it" said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then the masochist said: Meow.
|Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.|
In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.
"Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
|Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.|
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
|On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.|
As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.
The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.
He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa, filled with rage, threw open the door.
Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
Hence... the story of the Angel atop the tree.