|Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.|
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
|On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.|
As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.
The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.
He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa, filled with rage, threw open the door.
Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
Hence... the story of the Angel atop the tree.
|There was a virgin who was going to get married. She asked her mother if it hurt when you had sex. Her mother said not really, but to help you can use Vaseline.|
So the virgin goes and buys a jar and puts it in her suitcase. At the hotel room on her wedding night, she is lying in bed while her husband is in the bathroom getting ready. She decides to rub a little Vaseline on.
He comes out of the bathroom and she says, "Oh MY!", and then rubs a little more Vaseline on.
He gets half way across the room and she says, "Oh MY GOD!!" and rubs a little more on.
He gets right beside the bed and she says, "HOLY SHIT!!!" and puts the rest of it on.
Her husband stands there for a moment and takes a look. He then walks over to her suitcase, takes her rosary beads out and starts to wrap them around his penis. She says, "What the heck are you doing?"
He replies, "It looks a little slick. I thought I'd put some chains on." Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.
In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.
"Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
|Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.|
The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."
Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.
The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'!"
Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman". He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.
Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."