• It's Written in The Bible

    After checking into the hotel, Father Willy O'Dilly finds a Bible on the bed-side table. He reads it for a couple of hours and then leaves his room and wanders into the lobby. There he strikes up a conversation with the pretty young receptionist.

    After she has finished work, they share a few drinks in the bar and then retire to Father O'Dilly's room, but when the priest starts removing her clothes, she begins to have second thoughts.

    "Are you sure this is alright?" she asks. "I mean, you are a priest."

    "Don't worry, my dear," he replies, "it is written in the Bible."

    She believes him and the two of them spend a very pleasant night together. But in the morning, as the girl is preparing to leave, she says, "You know, Father, I don't remember that part in the Bible you mentioned last night. Could you show it to me?"

    So the priest takes the Bible from the bed-side table, opens the cover and points to the bottom of the title page, where someone has written in pencil, 'The girl in reception screws!'
  • Lighter or Matches?

    A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

    She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

    He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.

    She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?

    He: Oh, sometimes...

    She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?

    He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

    She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

    He: No, most certainly not!

    She: Oh... You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?

    He: Of course I haven't.

    She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.

    He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

    She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

    He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

    She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?

    He: Yes.

    She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?

    He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

    She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter).
    Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches.

    The young man collapses.
  • Retention Incentives

    At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

    Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause....

    Mary age 28, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide sex!"

    There is total silence....

    Rev Roberto blushing and asks her, "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Mary's 35-year old husband Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help" and he said 'Fuck him!'"
  • Restaurant's Policy

    Moishe Finkelstein goes into the Ritzy Glitz Restaurant and treats himself to a huge meal with lots of champagne, finishing up with a Havana cigar.

    Finally the waiter brings the bill on a silver tray. It comes to ninety -nine dollars and ninety -nine cents, so Moshe pays him with a hundred-dollar bill.

    About five minutes later, he calls the waiter back and asks for his change.

    Without altering his expression, the waiter leaves and returns a moment later with the silver tray. On it is a penny and a pack of condoms.

    Moishe is shocked, and demands an explanation. The waiter lifts his nose in the air, and says, "Sir, it is the policy of our restaurant to encourage customers like you not to reproduce !"