• Farmer Sutra

    A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

    He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

    She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

    He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

    About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the goat and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."
  • Who's Your Daddy?

    The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. It is scary to think that these women are breeding.

    1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

    2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

    3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

    4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

    5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

    6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

    7. I do not know who the father of my child was, as all blacks look the same to me.

    8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

    9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

    10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

    11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

    12. I have no clue or proof who the father is, but I know half a dozen guys, who were definitely not involved.

    13. The six guys I am squeezing alimony from are not the fathers of any of my kids, but don't tell them that! I have no idea who the real fathers are.
  • Malnourished Kid

    A lady marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded, "Do something about this baby."

    After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished.

    "He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly, "is he being breast fed?"

    "Yes," replied the lady.

    "Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

    The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length.

    Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

    "Of course not," she responded. "It's my sister's kid."

    "Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

    "I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."
  • Kissing Accident

    An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"

    "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.

    "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"

    "No, no nothing of those..." said the private.

    "Well then, what is it?"

    "I'd rather not tell you sir..."

    "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."

    "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.

    "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

    "You see, she crossed her legs trying to keep me locked on....."